Ah, Mommy Wars. The source of some of the most entertaining online fights in the history of ever. Breast vs Bottle Feeding. SAHM vs Working Mom. Organic vs Processed Food. Public vs Home Schooling. Natural vs C-Section Birth. One vs Multiple Kids. Peaceful Parenting vs Yelling. Spanking vs Not Spanking. Co-Sleeping vs Kids Sleeping Separately.
Pick a topic, any topic, and you can bet your sweet ass that there are women out there somewhere arguing about it. Spewing off opinions like an erupting volcano. Condescension and indignation. Man oh man I love the internet.
There are entire campaigns, like this one, dedicated to ending these Mommy Wars. Touting love and peace between mothers and nonjudgemental ways of treating each other. I call bullshit. Pure, unadulterated, kumbaya, bullshit. If you are someone who doesn’t judge other women (or people, in general).. consider yourself warned because I sure as hell do. And if you decide to continue reading because you know I’m going to shit all over your beliefs then tell me how wrong I am in the comments, I would invite you to find a mirror and take a long, hard look sister.
I don’t believe in biting my tongue or holding back my thoughts for fear of hurting someone’s feelings. I don’t tailor my speech to avoid offending people (except at work, cause I got bills to pay and shit). I will call it like I see it. Tell you to your face what I think about what you just said (or posted online, whatever the case may be). I’m not out to make friends, hell I don’t even like most of my family let alone the general population! To be in my life, you need to have thick skin. And if you don’t have it, go cry to someone else cause I more than likely don’t give a shit. As a mother on one of my favorite TV shows once said to her son during an emotionally traumatizing time, “Buck up sissy pants.”
If you’re paying attention, you could probably surmise the following about me: I’m a bitter, hateful, bitchy human being. All true. And I’m not ashamed of that, cause that’s who the fuck I am. I’m also a (pretty good) wife, (amazing) mother, (hard-working) career woman, Girl Scout cookie mom, former youth soccer coach, and a supporter of voicing your opinions in the Mommy Wars.
Not that I really care about other people’s opinions. I respect that everyone has to make hard decisions about how they will raise their children and that there is no one right way to do it.. however, I am sick and fucking tired of women bitching about things and expecting no backlash in return. My biggest pet peeve: Stay at Home Moms.
The SAHMs. The women who will tell you over and over that it was a hard choice to make. That they struggle financially with one income in exchange for being a bigger part of their children’s fleeting childhood years (or worse, to “raise” their children, as if working moms don’t). That they wouldn’t have it any other way. Then they tell you that they feel haggard and overwhelmed because looking after little people all day and doing housework and running errands and cooking is hard work. They’re so woefully under appreciated. The general public looks down on them as if making their kids their top priority was a bad thing. *Note: I’m obviously generalizing, I realize not every SAHM acts like this. I am specifically referring to those that do. Looking right at you bitch.
I can’t NOT get irrationally pissed off when I come across posts like this one. Or this one. Or this one. And especially this one that got me so riled up here I am writing on my own damn blog about how pissed off I am. *Another note: I want to be crystal clear that I don’t have anything against the concept of staying home instead of going to work. My issue is with these women who dare try to tell me that it’s as hard as working outside the home, or worse, HARDER?!
Why am I so goddamn bitter towards these women, you might wonder? Well, I’m really happy to tell you why. So happy to do so that I’m writing a whole goddamn blog post just to share MY story and back up MY reasons for looking down on moms who have such a hard time wiping noses and wearing spit up for a living.
I started the motherhood journey when I was 18 years old and stupid. I was dating a loser and I myself was very loserish and right when I decided to be less of a loser and go to college full-time, I found out I was pregnant. Well okay then. I did what I had to do, finished out the fall semester and went running back to my mom’s. Fast forward to being 19 with a newborn and breaking up with her dad. NOT co-parenting, just single mom-ing it. I got a job as a waitress, got back on my feet and went back to college to live on campus with my 8 month old. Alone. I was a full-time student, part-time receptionist, on welfare/food stamps/medicaid/subsidized child care, completely on my own doing whatever I had to do to survive.
I spent my days in classes and working while I shipped my precious little baby off to daycare. Staying home was never an option. Despite popular belief, you can’t actually live off of state benefits.. but that’s a rant for another time. At the end of my long ass days I would pick my baby up, make dinner for myself and feed her baby food from a jar once she was done with formula (because no, I didn’t breast feed either). I cleaned my apartment, took care of my baby, did our laundry and ran errands. Then I put her to sleep in her own crib because I didn’t have the luxury of “co-sleeping” .. as if I would even want to. I stayed up half the night doing homework, writing papers and studying for exams. Was it hard? Hell yes. Did I complain about it? No. I knew that having a kid was my decision, and leaving her dad was my decision, so I played the cards that I dealt to myself.
After 3 LONG, HARD, years I graduated. And couldn’t find a job. And I was home, with my precious little baby. And still alone. And somehow I still managed to clean my apartment, take care of my baby, cook food, run errands, and do all the other shit that people have to do when they are single parents living alone (with no weekends off due to an absent other parent). I wrote and rewrote my resume. I applied for jobs like my life depended on it (because uh, it did). I wrote cover letters and provided writing samples and interviewed and got me a job. Then I shipped my precious little toddler back to daycare. And I lived through the guilt of walking away from my heart screaming for me outside of my body. And I went to work. And I picked my baby up, and I made dinner, and took care of her, and ran errands and managed my home. By myself. Every day.
Fast forward to meeting my now-husband, doing all of the shit I have always had to do and throwing in the added complication of dating and cohabiting with a kid. Now, 9 years later.. I take care of my kid in the morning, drive her to before-care, sit in traffic for an hour, spend 8 hours juggling enough work to keep 3 people busy for a week, sit in traffic for another hour, drive the soccer carpool, take her to Girl Scout meetings (and volunteer as the cookie mom), watch Tae Kwon Do belt tests, grocery shop, pay bills, clean the house, run errands, manage my family’s schedule, do work AT home because there’s not enough time at work, cuddle with my daughter, help with homework, attentively listen and offer advice on fourth grade girl drama, show some love to my husband, care for the pets, spend the weekends attending kid parties, catching up on laundry, watching soccer games, meal planning, etc. etc. etc.
I, like every other working mom I know, crams the equivalent of two full-time jobs into every single day. And does it well. You think your ‘job’ is hard because you ‘don’t have time to pee’? I can’t tell you how many near-accidents I’ve had at work after one too many cups of (reheated five times) coffee due to endless meetings, phone calls that don’t stop coming in, and seven people needing my attention all at once. You think your ‘job’ is hard because you don’t have any time to yourself? I’d like to know how, exactly, being in an office full of demanding people with weird personality quirks that I can’t spank (because yes, I do that too) is a cup of tea. You think your ‘job’ is hard because you have to somehow cook dinner in your yoga pants with kids in your hair? I’d like to see you reunite with your child at 6pm and race to cook dinner while also helping with homework, unloading the dishwasher, feeding the pets and switching the laundry over and all the other shit that did not (could not) possibly have gotten done during the daytime hours.
For those that have chosen to be a SAHM mom, good on you. My very best friend whom I respect more than 99.9% of human beings has put in some time as a stay at home mom. I know what the day-to-day looks like. For those that try to complain about the under appreciated difficulty of what that entails, and even try compare it to having an actual full-time job, grow a pair. I have done it ALL as a single working mom, and now as a married working mom, and not folded under the pressure of what that means. I don’t want to hear your shit.